Russia Invasion of Ukraine Pt. 1

How many times must you to stand up to a bully?

And what if that bully was not only bigger and stronger than you, but could destroy you, your family, and the world as we know it?

How big are your balls then, boss?

This is Dumb People with ….

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We start with Volodymyr Zelenskyy, a man with a name that your narrator can barely pronounce well enough to move forward. He’s is the current president of Ukraine.

Zelenskyy memed his way into office, first as a comedian, then as an actor, portraying an average man who becomes Ukrainian president on a television show, which then happened in real life. The TV show was called “Servant of the People” and is garnering quite a bit of rewatch value due to the unfortunate relevancy of a Ukraine under duress, being led by a guy who acted as the President AND THEN ACTUALLY BECAME THE PRESIDENT.

Zelenskyy is not the first actor or entertainment figure to become a head of state, but he might be the first to manifest his way into the Ukrainian equivalent of the Oval Office through the sheer power of comedy. Oh, and, he’s rocking a pair of balls as big as a snowman’s ass.

Once the Russian invasion began, the United States offered to fly zelensky to safety. He replied, I NEED AMMUNITION NOT A RIDE.

This is the hero of this story. A common man, elected to the highest office in his land, whose resume included several rom-com movies and, I shit you not, winning the Ukrainian version of “Dancing with the Stars”.

So, I think you can see why Vladimir Putin, the villain of our story, might think- “Well, this guy is like Carrot-Top became President? I’m certain that I can fuck around with that guy.”

Spoiler alert- you shouldn’t fuck around with that guy.

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Vladimir Putin is the head honcho of Russia. He is a former KGB agent that didn’t really earn any promotions, was thoroughly undistinguishable in his job much like your cousin who works the register at the Dollar General, perhaps a former deputy mayor for a city no one remembers, and a thoroughly evil motherfucker.

And you think he has a hard on for Ukrainian President Zelensky, and Putin certainly does, you should know that Putin tried to assassinate the previous Ukrainian leader, ignored the one before that, ELECTED the one before that, like seriously, Putin elected the friggin’ Ukrainian President a couple years go, and the one before that?

Well, Vladimir Putin poisoned him.

So, Putin has been horny for action against Ukraine for a loooong time. Since Christ was a cub scout, Vladimir Putin has been messing with Ukraine’s politics and its leaders, and in fact, started this whole friggin’ war by making it to third base with Ukraine behind the bleachers at the school dance in 2014, while Americans were too busy doing the Facebook ice bucket challenge to notice.

And it took Vladimir Putin a couple years to get the real invasion going, because you know how it is, a man of his age, he hadn’t been to the bone zone’ in a while, he needed to limber up a bit, stretch out the calf muscles, take some vitamins, because he had fallen from his formerly-fine-and-fit-fornication-form.

It was really in 2014, Vladdy Daddy starting doing his kegels to really give Ukraine the righteous rogering of its lifetime, with a minor skirmish here or an limited invasion here, you know, just waiting for the Viagra to kick in, which it did in 2022- leaving Putin with a raging battlefield -boner.

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Lutefisk is a delicacy in some parts of Europe. It is a completely garbled, ass-nasty mess made from a perfectly nice piece of cod.

The process of making Lutefisk, the worst thing you’ve ever tasted, is that you take a fish and dry it for days. Then you soak it in water. Then you dry it again for days. Then you soak it in lye. Then you dry it again, with the idea that you’ve got to rinse it again, before soaking it, boiling it and eating it.

A wet fish, dried from the wet ocean, dried and wet and dunked in lye, repeatedly over the course of weeks smells like someone took a shit in a tuna can rescued from a mid-evil Viking fishing vessel, and no one should eat this- this lutefisk- or prepare it- because it’s an abomination to fish and food, although parts of Europe find this a delicacy.

And that, oddly enough is the story of Ukraine. Left alone, it’s a perfectly fine country, but it’s never like the rest of the world wants it, so just like that damn piece of cod, the world fiddles with it, dries it, wets it, pours lye on it, boils it and now Russia is consuming it. And they’re finding that, Ukraine is just Lutefisk, it tastes like smashed asshole.

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This is an ongoing world event. There is a likelihood that Zelenskyy will be assassinated. Or, that WW 3 happens after Putin’s starts dropping nuclear weapons like a million-year-old madman. Which he is.

So, let’s discuss NATO.

NATO is a treaty between a bunch of countries that have banded together to say that an attack on one country is an attack on ALL NATO countries. These NATO countries, which includes the cool countries like America, Canada, England and France, all the big democracies and a few non cool non-democracies because hey, let’s don’t let human rights get in the way of making a friendship, have pledged to defend each other in case of any unforeseen attack.

Ukraine wants to be in NATO, because c’mon, it is pretty obvy. They got a murderous neighbor next door.

So, one might ask, why isn’t Ukraine a part of NATO and the answer is that Putin doesn’t want it to be part of NATO, and Putin has his hand in the Ukraine like a doctor giving an elbow-deep prostate exam, and Putin, despite having no official say in the Ukraine’s political decisions because it’s an independent country, has decided that he’s gonna make the Ukraine the way he wants it- again, despite having no say-so.

The Ukrainian President, Vladimir Zelenskyy pleaded to join NATO on multiple occasions before this war broke out. These requests were of course blocked because no one wanted to make the war-crime-warrior Putin piss his pampers over it, so NATO barred Ukraine from joining its fun club of cool kids for the exact reason that Ukraine wanted to join in the first place, because NATO would help save the Ukraine in the event of a Russian attack.

So, here’s the rub. If you have a next-door neighbor that’s a stone-cold idiot, it can be a challenge. But if that neighbor, possessing nuclear weapon, ruled by a power-mad dictator nearing the end of his life, hell-bent on destroying you and perhaps, the entire world if he doesn’t get his way, your options are limited.

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Snake Island is a Ukranian province, a tiny little speck of land near the Ukranian shore.

A Russian wasship showed up, demanding the few Ukranian soldiers trying to protect this little piece of seaworn seashore, to tand down.

The Ukranian soldiers responded via radio, to the Russian waship, GO FUCK YOURSELVES. The Russian warship’s captain, repeated the phrase. “GO FUCK YOURSELVES?” back to the Ukranian soldiers.

Seconds later, the Russain Warchip delivered a fuckton of missiles to Snake Island, asserting their dominance, despite the fact that the Ukrainians? Yeah, they’ve got some serious and profound courage.

It was originally reported that this handful of ukranian soldiers had died due to misiles n their defiance. Now, it’s being reported that they are alive, but now Russian prisoners of war.

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Throughout the Russian invasion of Ukraine, Zelenskyy has retained aballer ass attitude of “Fuck around and find out.” Repeatedly calling the Russian troops “confused children” taunting the Russian rascal, Vladimir Putin himself, and dragging that pair of concrete clock bell big-ben testicles between his legs across town to stand with his soldiers in their time of battle.

It doesn’t take the diplomacy of Barack Obama, the charisma of Reagan, or the can-do attitude of Jimmy Carter to be an effective leader- just stand by your people and have faith in your homeland, even if it means locking horns with one of the world’s largest nuclear superpowers without any backup from NATO.

Zelenskyy opted, in the face of nearly certain demise, to remain in the firebombed capital city, facing down the barrel of some Russian fuckhead’s rifle, leading his men into battle with the resolve of a captain going down with his ship.

But it’s not too late for Ukraine to turn this thing around! Because Ukrainians are fighting for their homeland whereas Russia is sending its best and brightest drafted teenagers who didn’t even want to be in the armed forces to begin with, it seems possible that Zelenskyy can do what nobody ever expected:

Pop open a six-pack of whoop ass on a Russian land invasion in wintertime.

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And Joe Biden, president of America, the free world, and your local senior’s discount seafood buffet? doing his best, God bless him.

He wouldn’t even be the US president if the last US president-wasn’t every bit as old, twice as evil and three times more stupid. And if you doubt that three-times-more-stupid part, remember that Donald Trump- Donald trump- a man made of middle fingers, Big Macs and Bullshit- praised Putin for his brilliant invasion of Ukraine.

Remember when we discussed the previous leaders of Ukraine, and that Vladimir Putin had gotten one of his cronies elected to the position? That guy’s main political strategist was a guy named Paul Manafort, who later ran Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, got sentenced to federal prison, and was pardoned by Trump.

And Donald Trump- a man who will bring a date to his own wife’s funeral- was impeached for imploring Ukraine into manufacturing fake-scandals to hurt Joe Biden.

In 2016, when our own intelligence agencies revealed that Russia had been meddling in our elections, just like they had in Ukraine, Trump blamed the Ukrainians- defying the CIA, FBI and TMZ.

So, America? We’ve been wrist deep in Ukraine’s prison wallet also, just like Putin and the rest of the world has, because that’s what we do.

As Winston Churchill once said, you can always depend on the United States to do the right thing, after we’ve exhausted every other option.

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Every normal, democratic country has condemned this unprovoked war between Russia and Ukraine. Even the *not* normal, *not* democratic countries have said, hey man this thing is real fucked up. Zelenskyy has the approval of every head of state, including whatever intern Biden has signing his name on things these days.

Even fucking Switzerland couldn’t stay neutral on this one, opting to poke Putin right in his Swedish meatballs by condemning the unlawful invasion.

And Americans, have forged forward with love, and cold, hard cash to the innocent Ukrainian people. Thousands of Air BNB’s were purchased in the Ukraine in March of 2022, not because anyone was actually going to vacation in this hotbed of war, but because it was a way to send a bit of cash to the Ukrainians, who are cowering in subway stations to avoid the illegal shelling of their homes.

And Americans, and our allies, are having a real effect on this UNLAWFUL INVASION, even if we’re not sending troops and dropping bombs.

We’ve frozen many of the Russian bank accounts, not only here, but throughout the world.

Many of Russia’s wealthiest businessmen are finding their yachts being re-possessed, or their goods and services blocked, with the hope that if rich Russians get mad, maybe they can convince Putin to stop.

Apple announced that they wouldn’t be selling any of their products in Russia anymore, because if a cold war with the rest of the civilized world isn’t enough to convince Putin to pop his pecker back in his pantaloons and go home, maybe being forced to use a generic off brand version of garageband on his android will be the push he needs to stop the madness.

American corporations, president and congress, and the American people all share the fervent desire to see the Russian aggression stop, to somehow reverse the largest waR in Europe since WWII.

And while, the United States and the rest of the international community have praised Zelensky’s bravery and leadership, as well as pushed sanctions on Russia, there’s a chance that these sanctions will do nothing but fuck over the poor working-class Russians living in the frozen tundra, they call a country.

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The world has changed, overnight, with the possibility of WW II happening because Vladimir Putin hasn’t received his juicebox and nappy-time to his specific schedule.

But, Ukraine- the victim in this story of naked international aggression, do the Ukrainian citizens send their therapy bill for a 44 million shellshocked citizens directly to Russia, or is there a class-action suit they can get in on?

And, after Covid 19, a Capitol insurrection, soaring gas prices and Honey Boo Boo reruns, can America get in on that therapy shit too?