Steve Bannon

Steve Bannon spawned from a family of Irish Catholic Democrats in the commonwealth of Virginia. He spent his early years eating his way out of his host organism and transitioning from Larva to Pupa. Once an adult, he spent 8 years in the navy where he learned how to regurgitate food to attract a mate. And one day he got pissed at President Jimmy Carter about the Iran Hostage Crisis and his entire world view changed. That was also the day he learned to cool off with evaporation by defecating on his own legs.

This is Dumb People with Terrible Ideas.

Steve Bannon, former and perhaps future Presidential Advisor, cultivated his heinous hijack hostage hate hard-on for Jimmy Carter into repudiating his Irish Catholic teachings, thus becoming a real dick.

After his Navy days were over, he went on to work as an executive with Goldman Sachs, before going to Hollywood to produce movies. His entire career path looks like a GPS malfunction.

But in Hollywood, Steve Bannon didn’t find the success that he had expected, perhaps because he couldn’t cultivate meaningful relationships with the people in power, or because he insisted on using the scent glands near his anus to mark his territory.

Except for one small, but significant success. He somehow negotiated a share of the profits for a new TV show, that would most certainly fail, as many of his Hollywood projects did. Producers and directors treated Steve Bannon like a software update- they’d see him and say, “not Now”, except for this one fucking TV show, this stupid sitcom that was surely gonna get cancelled any day now. That show was called Seinfeld.

Steve Bannon, an unusually aggressive 70-year-old man that looks like he’s wearing a skin suit of liver spots, has made over 30 million dollars off of a TV show he never wrote, produced, directed or acted in.

There’s a lot of despicable things to say about Steve Bannon, but he’s never broke.

The bromance between Steve Bannon and Donald Trump began once Bannon began running the Breitbart website.

What you don’t know about Breitbart? It’s like Fremont Street in Las Vegas- the only respectable people found there are there by accident. It’s filled with “real stories” that the “mainstream media” refuse to cover. Breitbart is a toxic stew of anti-Jewish, anti-immigrant, pro-white, pro-aggression, conspiracy theories that make your racist uncle giggle on Facebook and makes fact checkers nope-the-fuck-out of working there.

Here’s a few ACTUAL headlines from Breitbart:

Does feminism make women ugly?

The confederate flag proclaims a glorious heritage.

Latinos Rally for Trump in ‘Operation Taco Bowl’

There’s no hiring bias against women, they just suck at interviews.

If fake news had a theme park, Breitbart would be its Space Mountain.

Donald Trump loved Breitbart, and soon he and Steve Bannon start talking, maybe wearing matching outfits, and start tagging each other on Instagram, and soon, both of them have their shirts off in the backseat of Trump Force One getting to third base with one another. It’s like two high-school bullies learned that they could stop bashing nerds and be content just rubbing each other’s wieners together.

Soon, Steve Bannon abandoned Breitbart to work on Donald Trump’s campaign to work on messaging, vet campaign staffers, and release his reproductive spores into the festering wounds that Donald Trump had shivved into democracy.

2 days after being hired on Trump’s 2016 campaign, Bannon became the new campaign chairman.

A couple months after that, Donald Trump won the election for United States President.

Steve Bannon is unusually aggressive.

Steve Bannon will stuff you in your locker and give you a wedgie for real! He’s handin’ out purple nurples like diplomas at Strayer University over here. Only this bully, Steve Bannon, a fella that looks like alcoholism caught covid and then got divorced, is the kind of bully that’ll de-pants you in PE class, then guillotine the lunch lady and seize the means of production.

And for all the adoration that Steve Bannon, and his former and perhaps future boss, Donald Trump engenders from evangelical Christians, Bannon himself calls himself a “pre-Christian’, which sounds like he’s just waiting for a sequel to the Bible before deciding.

Let me tell ya, Steve, if you haven’t read the Holy Bible yet, you’re in for a real treat with the Old Testament but you’re gonna HATE the red words toward the end of the book.

Pre-Christian is a way of saying he can’t commit to Jesus, but he’s pretty sure God’s gonna slide into his DMs anyway.

Days after the 2016 election, Donald Trump named Steve Bannon, as "chief strategist" in his Presidential cabinet. Finally, a staffer in the White House with some sex appeal! With Bannon’s unkempt hair, his unshaven face, looking like he moisturizes with a pork chop, suddenly every Fox News Karen spontaneously ovulated.

And when Sex Cannon Bannon wasn’t bullying nerds or rolling his own feces into balls to use for food storage and breeding purposes, he was looking to de-construct the administrative state! End the Federal Reserve! Prevent travelers from Muslim countries from entering the United States even as tourists!! He was thinking up laws faster than a millennial dodges phone calls from student loan collectors.

And then Trump placed him on the National Security Council- an honor normally saved for the nation’s most distinguished policy experts and military geniuses, and that makes complete sense, because Bannon conceived of the Muslim ban and the Mexican wall, so of course he knew EVERYTHING about global geopolitics!

But this pinnacle of this unshaven, shaggy haired 70-year-old scotch-filled skin sack of skintags career in public service didn’t last very long, because the two guys involved- Bannon and trump- soon felt the sexual tension that had fueled their friendship begin to fade.

Their romantic date nights spent tear-gassing brown-skinned people had become less frequent. Their shared laughter while roasting marshmallows over a burning homeless encampment barely even happened anymore. For whatever reason, they had a falling-out, perhaps because Bannon tried to bite Trump’s head off after mating. Trump became cold to Bannon’s touch. Even when Bannon flicked his glistening proboscis across the nether regions of Trumps cloaca opening, there was no longer any passion or joy.

Steve Bannon, a man who looks like he spent three days submerged in a river after losing custody of his children, soon found that Papa Trump’s gravy train had run out of biscuits.

After a year at the White House, Steve Bannon was fired from the White House.

And then, after leaving, he did what so many others in the Trump administration did after leaving.

He got indicted.

In 2020, Steve Bannon was arrested on a $28 million dollar yacht off the coast of Connecticut for raising money to build a wall between the United States and Mexico and allegedly stealing some of that money for his personal use. Each of the two charges - conspiracy to commit wire fraud and conspiracy to commit money laundering - carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison. He was not charged for ejaculating reproductive mucus into the abdomens of hagfish to extend his bloodline, as this was completed in international waters.

Donald Trump pardoned him for this in his last few days in office, presumably because one never forgets their first bro-job. This pardon only extended to federal crimes however, and New York filed different, new state charges for the same, old federal crimes, with the court date scheduled for September 2024.

Steve Bannon was also convicted for two counts of Contempt for Congress because he refused to testify before the January 6th committee, presumably because he helped to plan the Insurrection but didn’t want to discuss it. Charges for contempt of hygiene were never filed.

He is scheduled to report on July 1, 2024, for a four-month stint in the big house, which isn’t even enough time to write a manifesto. That’s scheduled for about a week after the release of this podcast. He’s appealing to the Supreme Court which might change things.

Also- because he will be serving four months while awaiting another criminal trial, if he’s jailed-he probably won’t be afforded a cushy stay at a club-fed type prison. It’s likely he’ll spend some time in an actual prison, or at Riker’s Island, the nation’s most notorious city jail.

Steve Bannon- the handsomest man in the liquor store at 9am- is preparing for his third act. While this multi-celled organism that sweats canned spam jelly plays spin-the-bottle with the legal system, we have one question to ask.

Is it worth it?

He’s rich. He’s connected. He could do anything, really. He has the money to travel Europe or hunker down in a luxury military compound. He could retire on an island; he has the capital to release his pheromones into a million stagnant bodies of water around the world.

Yet, this is what he has chosen to do. Not make anything, not create anything, just break shit.

Is it more productive to break things rather than make things?

You tell me, is it more productive to break things rather than make things? I’ll wait for your answer.