US Senate Candidate Herschel Walker

Herschel Walker

Us Senate Candidate Herschel Walker might be the most accomplished athlete our nation has ever produced. He competed at the highest levels of competition in four different sports- Football, Mixed Martial Arts, bobsledding and bullshitting. He even won the Heisman Trophy Award which means this guy could run while carrying a ball. You can't just overlook that kind of leadership quality.

This is Dumb People with Terrible Ideas. I’m your host Eric Gray.

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Herschel Walker has lived in Texas for decades, minding his own business. But when he decided to carpet bag back to the state of Georgia, to run for office in a state he hadn’t lived in since the Cosby Show was popular, things started getting real.

For many years, Herschel Walker acknowledged that he had one child- named Christian, who is in his 20’s, and apparently works primarily as a social influencer.

Shortly after running for office in a state he no longer lived in, The Daily Beast discovered a secret son that Walker had not acknowledged, then discovered another son and then ANOTHER DAUGHTER, all of whom had been hidden from view. Walker- Texas Stranger had led a life like a gremlin that fell in the pool and popped out a hundred others just like him.

A family tree, blooming in real time, as the world discovered that Herschel Walker was running for office only after a lifetime of spraying long fertile ropes of frothy ejaculate into the willing wombs of women wishing to sire the next winner of American Ninja Warrior.

And when Herschel isn’t keeping 23 and me in business, he’s working out. He’s said that the key to his athleticism has been doing thousands of pushups and sit-ups, first thing in the morning, although in retrospect, that’s probably the second thing he does in the morning, after driving home from some lady friend’s house.

That’s his son *Christian Walker*, a stunningly handsome young man who looks like America’s Next Top Model and acts like America’s Next Top Bottom.

It’s amazing that Herschel decided to take credit for that one. It’s like being Robert DeNiro and bragging about ‘Meet the Fockers’

But if Herschel Walker has been less than forthcoming about how many kids have bloomed forth from his Johnson County Georgia johnson, he’s been downright- wrong? Untruthful? About a number of other things:

Herschel Walker never graduated.

Herschel doesn’t have a secret covid killing mist.

Herschel was never a FBI agent, unless he thinks FBI stands for FOOTBALL INJURIES

Herschel only employed 8 people and was not the “largest minority-owned meat processors in the nation.” Perhaps that was a bold-faced lie, or perhaps Herschel simply forgot that the many women he had processing his meat were not in fact employees of his company.

Herschel used to run like a stallion, now he lies like a rug.

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Herschel Walker has Dissociative Identity Disorder, as he detailed in his autobiography. This is a multiple personality situation.

And, indeed, one personality wants to run the football, another wants to run for office, and another wants to run from his kids. Instead of Congressman, we’ll have to call him Congress They/Them. Should he win, they’ll amend the rules to give him three votes instead of only one.

Republicans would normally call this “weirdo-itis” because caring about people’s health isn’t part of their game plan, particularly when it’s a mental illness, particularlier when it’s a black man. But when the black man in question displays undying MAGA loyalty, republicans will bet the house on black even if the guy does do-it-yourself sperm donation as a hobby and is nuttier than squirrel shit.

As a result of this ideological inconsistency, we have a man very publicly suffering from an ongoing mental health crisis while rivaling Nick Cannon in the producing kids department.

So on the plus side: Herschel won the Heisman Trophy and appears to have a good work ethic.

On the minus side- He was diagnosed with multiple personalities, each personality has fathered a dozen kids we haven’t discovered yet, and he’s been cracked in the head so many times throughout his football career, he tells people that he won the Heimlich maneuver.

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In case you’re still unsure of whether or not Herschel and his marching band of alternate selves have earned your vote, let’s examine some of his other political policies.

He supports reinstating the Keystone pipeline, he plans to “heavily invest” in the military, he believes in the border wall to keep the Mexicans out and he favors a 15-yard penalty and automatic 1st down for an abortion, even by rape or incest.

So, he checks all the boxes as a Republican, proving that dumb people with terrible ideas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds, and backgrounds.

Herschel Walker also, desperately, wants to shoot someone in the head.

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Holy shit! Georgia nominated this guy for Congress? Was Voldemort unavailable?

Herschel is not content with murderous intent upon other humans, however, but seems eager to turn a firearm on himself too.

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Herschel Walker has a half dozen split personalities, and all of them love two things: Unprotected sex, and unprotected violence.

Check this out- A judge in Texas- TEXAS- the most gun-humping, fire-arm fornicating state in the nation took away Herschel’s guns in 2005 because he was considered dangerous.

Being mentally ill doesn’t disqualify somebody from congress, and there’s any number of disturbed people in Congress right now. But with Roe V Wade falling, trans rights firmly on the chopping block, and economic crises rivaling the fall of Rome, it really doesn’t feel like the time to fuck around with dollar store OJ Simpson behind the wheel.

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When he’s not threatening to shoot somebody, arguing with his 14 selves in his own head, or dodging weekly invites from the Maury Povich show, he struggles mightily with the English language.

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Apparently he feels there are “enough trees around here” already, and planting new ones would be a waste of time. Maybe he means that, and his limited perspective only allows him to see the vast expanse of the Georgia forest, or maybe he’d rather shit in his palm and applaud before doing anything helpful or worthwhile for anyone but himself.

Walker comes from a long line of unapologetic opportunists who think that pulling themselves into financial freedom allows them the newfound freedom to step on poor people with impunity. This is displayed in just about every terrible self centered policy his platform is pushing.

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In the aftermath of the Uvalde school shooting, which killed 19 elementary school children and 2 teachers, Walker was asked about his position regarding school shootings. Herschel Walker, or whomever amongst his personalities was in his head operating his mouthpiece at the time, responded by saying “Cain killed Abel. You know, and that’s a problem we have. And I say what we need to do is look into how we can stop those things.”

He then went on to suggest we open up a top secret deep state shadow operation, one that is far more sophisticated than any of us can imagine. Or, in his own words, he suggested opening “a department that can look at young men that’s looking at women that’s looking at social media.” Real brain surgeon shit.

Walker then concluded that his official position on gun control is “what I like to do is see it and everything and stuff.”

And then he discussed climate change.

Herschel Walker, with his known expertise in Geography, Geology, Meteorology, Wind patterns and air pollution, all combining to explain to us simpletons how air moves on a global scale, with bad air and good air interchangeable immediately.

His breathtaking knowledge of the earth’s climate challenges is little more than a tetris game, where you just move the funky piece over there and the other funky piece here and voila! Herschel believes he cleared the board.

Although you’d think he’d believe in global warming, simply because he could use the excuse that its too hot to wear a condom.

We’ve entered a new stage of American politics, where brain-addled folks who can’t communicate well like Donald Trump and Joe Biden are the new standard. Now, it’s Herschel’s time to be on a ballot. Two years from now, it’ll be Gary Busey and Mike Tyson.

Remember how we used to think China, or the Soviet Union, was going to take America out the game? Hell, we’ve grown so stupid, we’re oing it to ourselves.

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Herschel Walker has yet to debate his opponent, although one of his debate conditions is to impregnate two audience members each round and no questions about his children’s birthdays. It’ll be televised on his favorite two networks, the Family Discovery Channels.

But when that debate happens, if it happens, there will be a hint of sadness. Because watching a talented but troubled man, who has been promoted to 14 levels above his maximum capability, answering difficult policy questions on a live broadcast doesn’t sound like Must See TV.

No one wants to watch Herschel Walker display his mental illness, live.

Sign him up for ball, boss, and I’ll watch him on Sunday. Watching his athleticism remains a joy to behold, I’d bet. But watching him stumble with verb conjugation and public policy while displaying less charm than Samuel L. Jackson in Django Unchained isn’t good for the USA, the state of Georgia, or Herschel himself.

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When asked whether Biden had officially and legitimately beaten Trump in the 2020 election, Herschel Walker gave one of his most profound and accurate statements to the press yet: “I have no clue.” Now that should be the slogan beside his name on every poster and political ad he runs.

Maybe, this guy has done enough running for a lifetime. If he wins, he is going to run this country to the ground.